[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
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Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least