My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
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My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*