If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian