“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
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[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night