I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
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I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Money is the root of all wealth
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.