Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
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Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I’ll be mad as hell!
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”