Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?