Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something