robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The fall of Netflix
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.