Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.