6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
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It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch