I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?