I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach