me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
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My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face