Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101