what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
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How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*