Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.