Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
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Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.