“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
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my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY