DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
huge if true: the moon
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff