it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
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Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My five year plan is a meteorite
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.