Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
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Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Brilliant!
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.