House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Simple
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.