If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
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is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.