Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
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Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours