@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
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Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
So glad we cleared that up
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My current situation
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.