#Caturday
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Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?