I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break