My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
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Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I am, perchance
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.