My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
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I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]