*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.