partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
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Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.