I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Noah was an idiot.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic