<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.