Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
You deplete me
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.