MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
There is no “we” in pizza
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.