What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*has no idea what a book even is*
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.