Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.