If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.