The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.