I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The internet is full of many things
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.