Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Ummm
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Can’t stop laughing
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now