he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”