Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
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Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME