Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
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*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate