I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
You Might Also Like
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.