I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛