I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.