Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I’ve had worse
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.