a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
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That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.